Hi Everyone,
Someone at church mentioned my blog today, someone I didn't even know read it, and I realized I needed to explain why I was no longer writing. My friend from church said he enjoyed it. Thank you so much, T. That means so much. Our Pastor overheard our conversation & said his wife thought I was a great writer. Wow, what a compliment. Many friends have sent e-mails & words of encouragement along the way & I cannot even begin to express the thanks I have for each each & every one of you. It is because of you that I am half SANE!
I am in a very good place physically, spiritually & on the emotional side I am so much better than I was when I started this blog, but as I have stated before in previous posts the emotional stuff comes in waves. You know...so does the physical & spiritual stuff for that matter. I think we are all on this ride of life just trying to do the best we can. Sometimes we are better in some areas of life than we are in others & it feels like a juggling act. Like we have all these balls up in the air & we are just trying to catch them all without dropping them. I have a good relationship with my sisters again & I do think that was the origin of some of my deep sadness. I am so thankful to have them in my lives. I am so honored to be the Aunt of amazing children.
I've made the decision to stop writing on this blog after a discussion with my therapist. She told me that many great writers (her words, not mine) write about things that "ruffle feathers" & that upset others because they are so convicted on the subject matter & they take the criticism with a grain of salt. They nod their heads & say "Okay, sorry you don't like my work." I am unable to do that. I am not there. I am very convicted about the subject matter. The subject matter is my life. It is real. It is raw. The wounds are still open. They scab. I write. The scab gets ripped off (not only me, but others involved). Each time I post I endure (all brought on by myself) these back & forth discussions about my reality versus their reality and it just is not productive. I cannot expect to sit here & write & mention someone's initial & them know who I am talking about & them not respond. I am asking for it. I am inviting it. And if I am being really candid & honest (which I always strive to be) there is a part of me that likes it. A part of me that says "You want to challenge me? I dare you!" I think when you grow up around chaos there is a part of you that thrives on it even if you try to get away from it. I don't want it, it is ugly & I simply have no room for it in my life. When I write I start to get angry. Angry about what I didn't have. Angry about people who hurt me. Angry about people that I think should love & appreciate me & don't. Angry that some people I love don't stand a chance. This blog is my temptation to NOT break the cycle of chaos from my life. At this time I don't have the strength to nod my head & say to those that criticize "Okay, I'm sorry you don't like my work." Instead I take myself back to the ghetto like a hood rat & I want to fight like a gangster, my heart starts pumping out of my 35 year old chest & my husband thinks he's going to have to perform CPR or call an ambulance. It just isn't worth it. I can't do it, nor do I want to. I will continue to write in a journal & perhaps one day I will try to have it published (DREAM BIG!). I may start another blog on a different, less heavy subject matter. I will keep you all posted.
Thank you so much for reading!
I wish you all the best!
Alicia
