Hi Everyone,
Someone at church mentioned my blog today, someone I didn't even know read it, and I realized I needed to explain why I was no longer writing. My friend from church said he enjoyed it. Thank you so much, T. That means so much. Our Pastor overheard our conversation & said his wife thought I was a great writer. Wow, what a compliment. Many friends have sent e-mails & words of encouragement along the way & I cannot even begin to express the thanks I have for each each & every one of you. It is because of you that I am half SANE!
I am in a very good place physically, spiritually & on the emotional side I am so much better than I was when I started this blog, but as I have stated before in previous posts the emotional stuff comes in waves. You know...so does the physical & spiritual stuff for that matter. I think we are all on this ride of life just trying to do the best we can. Sometimes we are better in some areas of life than we are in others & it feels like a juggling act. Like we have all these balls up in the air & we are just trying to catch them all without dropping them. I have a good relationship with my sisters again & I do think that was the origin of some of my deep sadness. I am so thankful to have them in my lives. I am so honored to be the Aunt of amazing children.
I've made the decision to stop writing on this blog after a discussion with my therapist. She told me that many great writers (her words, not mine) write about things that "ruffle feathers" & that upset others because they are so convicted on the subject matter & they take the criticism with a grain of salt. They nod their heads & say "Okay, sorry you don't like my work." I am unable to do that. I am not there. I am very convicted about the subject matter. The subject matter is my life. It is real. It is raw. The wounds are still open. They scab. I write. The scab gets ripped off (not only me, but others involved). Each time I post I endure (all brought on by myself) these back & forth discussions about my reality versus their reality and it just is not productive. I cannot expect to sit here & write & mention someone's initial & them know who I am talking about & them not respond. I am asking for it. I am inviting it. And if I am being really candid & honest (which I always strive to be) there is a part of me that likes it. A part of me that says "You want to challenge me? I dare you!" I think when you grow up around chaos there is a part of you that thrives on it even if you try to get away from it. I don't want it, it is ugly & I simply have no room for it in my life. When I write I start to get angry. Angry about what I didn't have. Angry about people who hurt me. Angry about people that I think should love & appreciate me & don't. Angry that some people I love don't stand a chance. This blog is my temptation to NOT break the cycle of chaos from my life. At this time I don't have the strength to nod my head & say to those that criticize "Okay, I'm sorry you don't like my work." Instead I take myself back to the ghetto like a hood rat & I want to fight like a gangster, my heart starts pumping out of my 35 year old chest & my husband thinks he's going to have to perform CPR or call an ambulance. It just isn't worth it. I can't do it, nor do I want to. I will continue to write in a journal & perhaps one day I will try to have it published (DREAM BIG!). I may start another blog on a different, less heavy subject matter. I will keep you all posted.
Thank you so much for reading!
I wish you all the best!
Alicia
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Cease Fire
Hi Lovelies!
I hope you are all having a happy & healthy week. I've been a very busy lady lately with work, taking over a volunteer role at church, visiting the newest addition to our clan & spending time with my husband, friends, dogs & trying to fit in time to keep up with my workouts. These are all such positive things & I feel very fulfilled and satisfied in my life.
Those of you that know me know that I always strive to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. I am trying like crazy to achieve my goal weight (15 more pounds to go) and it has been tough. I have been taking some amazing classes at the gym, but I decided to step up my game on Saturday. I took a class at the Y called Body Attack & it attacked my body. It was so difficult, but I will be there again this Saturday! After my workout I treated myself to a little spa day with a friend while Troy & her husband played golf. Afterward we were treated to an amazing dinner by Troy's golf partner. Steaks, potatoes, crab cakes, wine & amaretto cake (maybe this is why this 15 pounds isn't coming off...). We really needed a weekend like this, it had been a while. I think life can become so mundane sometimes. I know I say this all the time, but we really have the most incredible friends in the world! Thank you so much, D & J!
I think working on our health is important to live a long & healthy life, but equally essential is our character. What are people going to say about me when I am gone? How do I treat strangers? My family? My friends? The homeless guy at 1-10 and 99? I believe our life experiences, environment & personality play factors in how we move about in this world. For such a long time (and even now) I've had this urge to tell people EVERYTHING I am thinking. Seriously, it's like a disease. Example: I was at a clothing/accessory store a few days ago (SHOCKER!) & I was looking at this clutch. It was pleather, but very cute. They wanted $35 for it & I thought that was way too much. I told the manager (in a very polite way) that I really thought all of their stuff way overpriced for the quailty. I told her I thought their stuff should be priced like Forever 21's merchandise. I went on to ask her why she thought anyone would pay $35 for a pleather clutch (it was small). I told her I knew we weren't in China & not on a barter system, but I needed to get this off my chest. She looked at me & had no idea what to say. I started back peddling. I meant every word of what I said & it wasn't a personal attack on her, but I felt bad. After I speak my mind I start to feel like...oh maybe that didn't have to be said. I don't want to live like that. It is not my desire to walk around destroying everyone in my wake. I do have the overwhelming impulse to say exactly what is on my mind. ALL. THE. TIME. I can honestly tell you that about 8 times out of 10 it does not come from a place of anger. I just want to share. It is continuously on my prayer list & if you are a praying person please pray that I use my words wisely. That I realize it is okay to hold some things back.
I see a Christian counselor on a regular basis & I visited her office yesterday. We discussed how I get really frustrated when others don't do things the way I think they should. When someone doesn't "get it" or they don't understand something as quickly as I do or they aren't willing to work in life I get downright pissed. I don't like excuses & I never have, but I make them all the time. Troy makes me yell at him. The lady behind me at the store caused me to give her a dirty look. She was in my personal space & that is not okay. My family causes me to lash out at them. R, my counselor, set me straight really quick. I am an adult who is responsible for my own actions. I cannot control the actions of another person, but I have absolute control of my response. I get a big, huge, fat F in this area of my life. If someone crosses me I am ready to go to war & I hold nothing back. If you have been on the receiving end of this I am sorry. I've said on this blog before that I think anger is an easier emotion to express than pain. When I lash out in those ways it is because I am in terrible pain & it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me. It is no excuse & not at all acceptable behavior. Even though my counselor and I had this discussion just yesterday I failed to remember what I learned & failed miserably last night when someone upset me. It was a choice, as adults we have choices & I made the choice to behave badly. It will be my life's work to control my emotions and make better choices.
I am here to love other people and to lend them a helping hand when I can. I don't have to worry about who is doing what. That isn't my concern. It is really hard for me, in the heat of the moment, to remember that. It is extremely difficult when love is involved & I want the best for those I love. I have to keep in mind that I'm not God. I'm called to be a loving sister, a supportive wife, a loyal friend & a follower that spreads the Good News. I am imperfect & I will mess up. I am thankful that I have a Father that is forgiving & loves me just as I am. I want those that love me to know that I am constantly thinking about how I can improve. My heart is a compassionate one, but you already know that. My love is unconditional & you know that, too.
Romans 12:19 "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay, 'says The Lord"
On the agenda this week: Work, working out, mexican food with friends, visiting little C, hopefully some fun in the sun & church.
What are your plans? Anything fun?
Have a great week!
alicia
I hope you are all having a happy & healthy week. I've been a very busy lady lately with work, taking over a volunteer role at church, visiting the newest addition to our clan & spending time with my husband, friends, dogs & trying to fit in time to keep up with my workouts. These are all such positive things & I feel very fulfilled and satisfied in my life.
Those of you that know me know that I always strive to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. I am trying like crazy to achieve my goal weight (15 more pounds to go) and it has been tough. I have been taking some amazing classes at the gym, but I decided to step up my game on Saturday. I took a class at the Y called Body Attack & it attacked my body. It was so difficult, but I will be there again this Saturday! After my workout I treated myself to a little spa day with a friend while Troy & her husband played golf. Afterward we were treated to an amazing dinner by Troy's golf partner. Steaks, potatoes, crab cakes, wine & amaretto cake (maybe this is why this 15 pounds isn't coming off...). We really needed a weekend like this, it had been a while. I think life can become so mundane sometimes. I know I say this all the time, but we really have the most incredible friends in the world! Thank you so much, D & J!
I think working on our health is important to live a long & healthy life, but equally essential is our character. What are people going to say about me when I am gone? How do I treat strangers? My family? My friends? The homeless guy at 1-10 and 99? I believe our life experiences, environment & personality play factors in how we move about in this world. For such a long time (and even now) I've had this urge to tell people EVERYTHING I am thinking. Seriously, it's like a disease. Example: I was at a clothing/accessory store a few days ago (SHOCKER!) & I was looking at this clutch. It was pleather, but very cute. They wanted $35 for it & I thought that was way too much. I told the manager (in a very polite way) that I really thought all of their stuff way overpriced for the quailty. I told her I thought their stuff should be priced like Forever 21's merchandise. I went on to ask her why she thought anyone would pay $35 for a pleather clutch (it was small). I told her I knew we weren't in China & not on a barter system, but I needed to get this off my chest. She looked at me & had no idea what to say. I started back peddling. I meant every word of what I said & it wasn't a personal attack on her, but I felt bad. After I speak my mind I start to feel like...oh maybe that didn't have to be said. I don't want to live like that. It is not my desire to walk around destroying everyone in my wake. I do have the overwhelming impulse to say exactly what is on my mind. ALL. THE. TIME. I can honestly tell you that about 8 times out of 10 it does not come from a place of anger. I just want to share. It is continuously on my prayer list & if you are a praying person please pray that I use my words wisely. That I realize it is okay to hold some things back.
I see a Christian counselor on a regular basis & I visited her office yesterday. We discussed how I get really frustrated when others don't do things the way I think they should. When someone doesn't "get it" or they don't understand something as quickly as I do or they aren't willing to work in life I get downright pissed. I don't like excuses & I never have, but I make them all the time. Troy makes me yell at him. The lady behind me at the store caused me to give her a dirty look. She was in my personal space & that is not okay. My family causes me to lash out at them. R, my counselor, set me straight really quick. I am an adult who is responsible for my own actions. I cannot control the actions of another person, but I have absolute control of my response. I get a big, huge, fat F in this area of my life. If someone crosses me I am ready to go to war & I hold nothing back. If you have been on the receiving end of this I am sorry. I've said on this blog before that I think anger is an easier emotion to express than pain. When I lash out in those ways it is because I am in terrible pain & it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me. It is no excuse & not at all acceptable behavior. Even though my counselor and I had this discussion just yesterday I failed to remember what I learned & failed miserably last night when someone upset me. It was a choice, as adults we have choices & I made the choice to behave badly. It will be my life's work to control my emotions and make better choices.
I am here to love other people and to lend them a helping hand when I can. I don't have to worry about who is doing what. That isn't my concern. It is really hard for me, in the heat of the moment, to remember that. It is extremely difficult when love is involved & I want the best for those I love. I have to keep in mind that I'm not God. I'm called to be a loving sister, a supportive wife, a loyal friend & a follower that spreads the Good News. I am imperfect & I will mess up. I am thankful that I have a Father that is forgiving & loves me just as I am. I want those that love me to know that I am constantly thinking about how I can improve. My heart is a compassionate one, but you already know that. My love is unconditional & you know that, too.
Romans 12:19 "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay, 'says The Lord"
On the agenda this week: Work, working out, mexican food with friends, visiting little C, hopefully some fun in the sun & church.
What are your plans? Anything fun?
Have a great week!
alicia
Friday, April 8, 2011
Humility & Forgiveness
I'm sure you've gathered by now that I'm crazy about my siblings so you can only imagine how I feel about their children. It is so surreal to watch them raise their kids and do it so well. My nieces & nephews are such wonderful young people and I'm so proud to be their aunt. E is the oldest & she will be 11 this year. Every time I see her she is taller. She is creative, beautiful & she loves fashion (yay!). J will be 8 this year and he is PRECIOUS. He has the chubbiest cheeks--you can't NOT pinch and kiss them. He is sensitive & witty--nothing gets past this kid! I don't get to see M much, but he looks ;;;;;exactly like my brother (adorable). He will be 3 in October. He loves baseball & it is so cute when he pitches because he hikes his leg up just like a professional pitcher--he's been doing this since he could walk. A will be 2 in a few weeks. She has the vocabulary of a 4 year old & is an extremely intelligent little girl, not to mention beautiful. C is the newest addition to our family. He was born just last week. He is such a good baby & I can't wait to get to know him better. Children are such an amazing blessing from God. They have this quiet innocence about them. They make me remember all that is good about this world.
Children have the ability to bring people together. Thank you little C for doing just that.
I am an imperfect person. One of my biggest problems is the lack of filter on my mouth. I should've been fitted for a muzzle a long time ago, it would've saved me a whole lot of headache. When a person says something I find rude I lash out without even thinking & I do not hold back. Most times I don't mean what is coming out of my mouth. I just spew with the intention of hurting the person like they hurt me. I don't ever want someone to feel like they have gotten the better of me. I definitely learned this behavior, but at my age it is inexcusable. I have prayed for a filter and worked hard to understand why I feel the need to say EVERYTHING I am thinking. I wouldn't say I am healed, but I would consider myself on my way. It is my desire to live in harmony with my siblings, their families & the rest of the world. I feel as I become closer to The Lord this becomes so much easier.
I am grateful and humbled today. Thank you, F.
Children have the ability to bring people together. Thank you little C for doing just that.
I am an imperfect person. One of my biggest problems is the lack of filter on my mouth. I should've been fitted for a muzzle a long time ago, it would've saved me a whole lot of headache. When a person says something I find rude I lash out without even thinking & I do not hold back. Most times I don't mean what is coming out of my mouth. I just spew with the intention of hurting the person like they hurt me. I don't ever want someone to feel like they have gotten the better of me. I definitely learned this behavior, but at my age it is inexcusable. I have prayed for a filter and worked hard to understand why I feel the need to say EVERYTHING I am thinking. I wouldn't say I am healed, but I would consider myself on my way. It is my desire to live in harmony with my siblings, their families & the rest of the world. I feel as I become closer to The Lord this becomes so much easier.
I am grateful and humbled today. Thank you, F.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Freedom
Hi Everyone!
I hope you all are doing well. I don't have too much content today, but I did want to take the time to thank those of you interested enough in me to read. I've received numerous e-mails regarding this blog, but the sweetest one came last night and this was a portion of what it said.
"I read your blog tonight. It inspired me, you are the strongest most together person I know. You faced challenges and bad situations but you decided to fight though and become an amazing woman. So many people in those situations would have succumbed to their demons."
Thank you so much, E for this thoughtful e-mail that you took the time to send. I chose to start this blog for so many reasons, but if inspiring one person is a result than my duty is done. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Of course, as I've said before, there have been those who do not like what I'm writing at all. I've been unfriended on Facebook & unfamilied on Facebook (LOL!). The funny thing about this & I'm not trying to be rude or caddy at all & I am writing this with a straight face. I do not give a shit. AT. ALL. This will come as no surprise to those of you who really know me. I would never intentionally set out to hurt someone. EVER. I am an insanely compassionate person who would give my shirt for almost anyone. I know who I am. I know what I believe. I am open to other ideas about life. It is not my place to judge. Side note: The Sunday after my last post was published we discussed Romans 12. Check it out, it's all about who the judge is & it is not me. Vengeance is not mine. I know there are many different ways to do this life & my way is not the only way. But, I ask that you please do not ever question my feelings because those are mine. I will never ever on this blog have a lack of respect for anyone's privacy (hence me only using first initials when talking about someone other than my husband or myself). I vow to always tell the truth, as I know no other way.
I read an article yesterday that I thought was really amazing about Ashley Judd. Apparently, she wrote a memoir about her family. The book discusses the isolation she felt from being neglected by her mom. It paints her family in a light that is not pretty. Surprisingly (to me) her mom & sister are speaking out in support of her & her book. They have been quoted as saying "I think it's key for us to spend time figuring out our own reality...."Every unhappiness is tied to a story, and we have to go back and figure out our stories. And then it's our stories that connect us." This was interesting to me because they could be really mad (as some of my family members have been), but instead they have made a choice to stand behind her & support her efforts to get healthy. Kuddos to them for loving her in such a way.
Again I'm so grateful to those of you who've reached out & told me you were proud. Those words mean so much. For those who aren't ready or able to figure out your own reality, that is okay, but this is mine. I will be here when you are ready to share your story.
Love,
alicia
I hope you all are doing well. I don't have too much content today, but I did want to take the time to thank those of you interested enough in me to read. I've received numerous e-mails regarding this blog, but the sweetest one came last night and this was a portion of what it said.
"I read your blog tonight. It inspired me, you are the strongest most together person I know. You faced challenges and bad situations but you decided to fight though and become an amazing woman. So many people in those situations would have succumbed to their demons."
Thank you so much, E for this thoughtful e-mail that you took the time to send. I chose to start this blog for so many reasons, but if inspiring one person is a result than my duty is done. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Of course, as I've said before, there have been those who do not like what I'm writing at all. I've been unfriended on Facebook & unfamilied on Facebook (LOL!). The funny thing about this & I'm not trying to be rude or caddy at all & I am writing this with a straight face. I do not give a shit. AT. ALL. This will come as no surprise to those of you who really know me. I would never intentionally set out to hurt someone. EVER. I am an insanely compassionate person who would give my shirt for almost anyone. I know who I am. I know what I believe. I am open to other ideas about life. It is not my place to judge. Side note: The Sunday after my last post was published we discussed Romans 12. Check it out, it's all about who the judge is & it is not me. Vengeance is not mine. I know there are many different ways to do this life & my way is not the only way. But, I ask that you please do not ever question my feelings because those are mine. I will never ever on this blog have a lack of respect for anyone's privacy (hence me only using first initials when talking about someone other than my husband or myself). I vow to always tell the truth, as I know no other way.
I read an article yesterday that I thought was really amazing about Ashley Judd. Apparently, she wrote a memoir about her family. The book discusses the isolation she felt from being neglected by her mom. It paints her family in a light that is not pretty. Surprisingly (to me) her mom & sister are speaking out in support of her & her book. They have been quoted as saying "I think it's key for us to spend time figuring out our own reality...."Every unhappiness is tied to a story, and we have to go back and figure out our stories. And then it's our stories that connect us." This was interesting to me because they could be really mad (as some of my family members have been), but instead they have made a choice to stand behind her & support her efforts to get healthy. Kuddos to them for loving her in such a way.
Again I'm so grateful to those of you who've reached out & told me you were proud. Those words mean so much. For those who aren't ready or able to figure out your own reality, that is okay, but this is mine. I will be here when you are ready to share your story.
Love,
alicia
Friday, April 1, 2011
Denial
At my heaviest I weighed 208 pounds. Surprisingly, I never really suffered with body image issues though. I didn't loathe myself or have poor self-esteem. I think I always understood that I was so much more than the numbers on the scale. I had things much more pressing to concern myself with. Of course, I would occasionally feel less than if I was out with a group of girls that fit the typical "hot" mold, but it was always fleeting. I would look in the mirror & think "Sure you aren't skinny, but you are still pretty." When pictures were taken of me & I saw them I would be mortified though. I thought--who in the world is that fat chick? I didn't recognize myself & I would've never called myself fat. I was fluffy, thick, big boned. When I would catch my reflection in a window I always justified the reason my image was so large---the window was one of those funny ones that made you not look like yourself, ya that's what it was. The fact was, I was fat. I know that word has a negative connotation, but that's what I was. I was way too big for my height & I was at risk for many health problems. In fact, the only reason I decided to change my lifestyle was bad blood work. I didn't think it was okay to be both big & unhealthy. I made the decision to change my ways in July & I've lost a significant amount of weight. I weigh less now than I have in a very long time. I'm proud of my accomplishments. I feel strong & healthy. I made a conscience decision to no longer eat my feelings. I would deal with them head on.
In counseling this week R (my counselor) and I discussed my blog as we do weekly. I told her that some did not like what I was writing. She told me what I already know & it's that you can't make everyone happy. I've been told by family members that if these "memories" were the truth for me then that was fine. I was very insulted by that statement. As if I didn't remember what went on in my childhood. Like I was making these things up? Like I was there & they weren't? R is very patient & she calmly explained to me that everyone has a different reality. We all see the world in a different way, even if we are both perfectly happy. You see--perception is subjective. I could say the sky was blue & someone else may call it turquoise. We also discussed the possibility that seeing things in a different way when trauma occurs could be the result of one defending their heart. The fact that both of your parents are less than stellar is a hard pill to swallow. Who wants to believe that? Who wants to combat that pain?
I was 10 years old when my brother was born. He was perfect. He was cute, sweet & so innocent. M was more like my child than any of my other siblings because of the age disparity. Our bond was strong. He was 8 years old when my dad (we have different dads) came & rescued us from that apartment. My dad would've kept him with us, but his father wanted to come & get him. There was nothing we could do to stop that from happening. His dad had legal rights to him. I think at the time I just forged along & accepted that he would no longer be living in the same house with us. He wasn't even going to be close by. I don't remember how often we saw him, but I feel I always made an effort (as much as a kid could). I remember he would call me crying. He would beg me to come get him from his dad's house. His dad was in the background yelling & calling him names that aren't acceptable names for even your worst enemy. I was crushed. What could I do to remove him from that terrible situation? How could I save him? I hope now that he is older he realizes that if I could've come for him I would've. I would've gladly taken his place.
My siblings & I have all had our ups and downs with each other. I think this is typical in most families, but it is even more so in families where the roles have been all mucked up. I think women of drug addicts tend to fair better than men do. Men aren't allowed to cry, they aren't allowed to tell their buddies that they're sad because their mom smokes crack & lives in a hotel. Our society tells us that men are tough, nothing bothers them & if it does they need to suck it up. My sister's & I also had each other, we stayed together. M was alone. M & I had always been pretty close until one event when we were all brought together at a restaurant. M was clearly drinking way too much & he & his friends kept going to the bathroom. My mom was invited to that event & we came together. My mom was sober at the time. M invited her there & anytime she spoke he was very rude & disrespectful to her. He was clearly angry. Anger is an easier emotion to express than pain. He was in pain. Maybe he felt he could handle seeing my mom, but he couldn't. They started arguing & I spoke up thinking I could calm him down. He responded to me in a way I never thought possible. He was acting like a thug. In all fairness I will say when he started acting like a thug I did, too. It was not pretty & we were in public. That was at least 3 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a pivotable moment for us. We would never be the same. I was kinda done.
I don't know M these days. His behavior is erratic, he has been in trouble for at least the last 5 years of his life. He is a really bad criminal because he always gets caught & he will get caught again. It's just a matter of time. There are rules to live by in this life & they are in place for a reason. If people would just follow these rules life would be so much easier. I saw a recent picture of him & it concerned me because he looked very thin. My brother has never been thin. I texted him--out of pure concern. The truth is I am pretty selfish, I love him and I want him to be okay. Just like I want my mom to be okay. I want M & his family to be okay. I want him to break the cycle of abuse & drug addiction & that is not happening. I texted today to ask him to please call me & he has not done so. The truth, just like my old reflection in the mirror, is hard to accept sometimes. There was no call back today because I speak truth & I'm afraid that M isn't reasy for the truth. I only speak the truth in love & some may argue that it's not my place, but I would beg to differ. It is my place, it is my place to speak up on behalf of his young children---his children who probably feel much like we did as kids. I will not apologize for loving you, M. I will always love you unconditionally. My heart will always be open to you & when you are ready for the truth my door will be open.
Alicia
**Just for the record, I was 25 years old once. I did partake in risky behaviors. I drank & drove, I did drugs, I smoked. Those were all very stupid things to do & I am lucky the consequence of those actions was never severe. I was also only responsible for myself--I didn't have 2 kids that depended on me. When you make the choice to have children you don't have the right to act like an idiot.
In counseling this week R (my counselor) and I discussed my blog as we do weekly. I told her that some did not like what I was writing. She told me what I already know & it's that you can't make everyone happy. I've been told by family members that if these "memories" were the truth for me then that was fine. I was very insulted by that statement. As if I didn't remember what went on in my childhood. Like I was making these things up? Like I was there & they weren't? R is very patient & she calmly explained to me that everyone has a different reality. We all see the world in a different way, even if we are both perfectly happy. You see--perception is subjective. I could say the sky was blue & someone else may call it turquoise. We also discussed the possibility that seeing things in a different way when trauma occurs could be the result of one defending their heart. The fact that both of your parents are less than stellar is a hard pill to swallow. Who wants to believe that? Who wants to combat that pain?
I was 10 years old when my brother was born. He was perfect. He was cute, sweet & so innocent. M was more like my child than any of my other siblings because of the age disparity. Our bond was strong. He was 8 years old when my dad (we have different dads) came & rescued us from that apartment. My dad would've kept him with us, but his father wanted to come & get him. There was nothing we could do to stop that from happening. His dad had legal rights to him. I think at the time I just forged along & accepted that he would no longer be living in the same house with us. He wasn't even going to be close by. I don't remember how often we saw him, but I feel I always made an effort (as much as a kid could). I remember he would call me crying. He would beg me to come get him from his dad's house. His dad was in the background yelling & calling him names that aren't acceptable names for even your worst enemy. I was crushed. What could I do to remove him from that terrible situation? How could I save him? I hope now that he is older he realizes that if I could've come for him I would've. I would've gladly taken his place.
My siblings & I have all had our ups and downs with each other. I think this is typical in most families, but it is even more so in families where the roles have been all mucked up. I think women of drug addicts tend to fair better than men do. Men aren't allowed to cry, they aren't allowed to tell their buddies that they're sad because their mom smokes crack & lives in a hotel. Our society tells us that men are tough, nothing bothers them & if it does they need to suck it up. My sister's & I also had each other, we stayed together. M was alone. M & I had always been pretty close until one event when we were all brought together at a restaurant. M was clearly drinking way too much & he & his friends kept going to the bathroom. My mom was invited to that event & we came together. My mom was sober at the time. M invited her there & anytime she spoke he was very rude & disrespectful to her. He was clearly angry. Anger is an easier emotion to express than pain. He was in pain. Maybe he felt he could handle seeing my mom, but he couldn't. They started arguing & I spoke up thinking I could calm him down. He responded to me in a way I never thought possible. He was acting like a thug. In all fairness I will say when he started acting like a thug I did, too. It was not pretty & we were in public. That was at least 3 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a pivotable moment for us. We would never be the same. I was kinda done.
I don't know M these days. His behavior is erratic, he has been in trouble for at least the last 5 years of his life. He is a really bad criminal because he always gets caught & he will get caught again. It's just a matter of time. There are rules to live by in this life & they are in place for a reason. If people would just follow these rules life would be so much easier. I saw a recent picture of him & it concerned me because he looked very thin. My brother has never been thin. I texted him--out of pure concern. The truth is I am pretty selfish, I love him and I want him to be okay. Just like I want my mom to be okay. I want M & his family to be okay. I want him to break the cycle of abuse & drug addiction & that is not happening. I texted today to ask him to please call me & he has not done so. The truth, just like my old reflection in the mirror, is hard to accept sometimes. There was no call back today because I speak truth & I'm afraid that M isn't reasy for the truth. I only speak the truth in love & some may argue that it's not my place, but I would beg to differ. It is my place, it is my place to speak up on behalf of his young children---his children who probably feel much like we did as kids. I will not apologize for loving you, M. I will always love you unconditionally. My heart will always be open to you & when you are ready for the truth my door will be open.
Alicia
**Just for the record, I was 25 years old once. I did partake in risky behaviors. I drank & drove, I did drugs, I smoked. Those were all very stupid things to do & I am lucky the consequence of those actions was never severe. I was also only responsible for myself--I didn't have 2 kids that depended on me. When you make the choice to have children you don't have the right to act like an idiot.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Having kids
I'm the eldest of 4 children & the only one without children. C has 2 kids, L has 2 kids (as of today!!) & M has 2 kids, one biological & one step son. Society definitely says that I should have kids by now. I am 35 years old, I am happily married, I am educated & I live in the burbs. So why don't I have kids? Having kids in my opinion isn't something that you just do. Kids are a full time job, they are needy (rightfully so), they are precious & when you have them your life should revolve around them. They should be first, after God. Your actions, your thoughts, your everything HAS to be about them. I've been there & I've done that. I'm a good mom. Mothering comes very naturally to me. It's what I do & it's who I am. I do want a child & everytime I think we are ready to try something happens. One of us gets laid off, one of us needs to have a certain medication out of our system for "x" amount of months, one of us says "man, we are broken people, do we really want to bring a child into this messed up world?" Sometimes I think we've gotten to an age where we've had time to overthink all the possible things that could go wrong (I mean ALL the things). We don't want to get it wrong. We are scared to death of messing a kid up like our parents messed us up. Then I have to remember that I am not in control of my life. Everything does not have to be mapped out & planned. God knows what we all need & God knows if Troy & I will become parents one day. That is for Him to decide & not me. I am not in control.
I have been blessed with the most amazing neices & nephews. The oldest will be 11 this year & the youngest was born today. As my sister lays in that hospital bed tonight recovering from her C-section the instinct inside of me that wants to mother comes out. It wants to protect, take pain away--both emotional & physical--it wants to curl up beside her to tell her that she doesn't need to worry. That she will be okay, she is a good mom & that she has help, she is not alone. That I will help her, she can count on me. My sister called me today before her scheduled C-section & I told her that I would be at the hospital in the morning to see her & to meet my new nephew. I told her that I loved her, but inside I was a mess. Was I a bad sister for not being there the second he was born? She was about to have surgery & I wasn't going to be there. Her husband was there and his family was there, but her family was not. Her mother (not me) was not. She was having her second baby & she was there without family. My other sis, C, was caring for my neice, my dad was at work & my mom was living in a hotel. L doesn't talk much about her feelings & really she was probably fine, but I wasn't fine. I felt sad for her, I felt sad for my other sibs who've experienced child birth without their mom next to them to share that amazing experience & I felt sad for myself. The voices in my head started talking and they said "Oh, Alicia, you can't do that. You can't have a child & he/she have no grandparents. You can't have a child & be alone at the hospital."
Maybe my sister is stronger than me. Maybe I'm just a big ole emotional sap who needs to suck it up, but for now I will just live in the moment & feel sad for what my sister didn't have tonight. I will struggle with feeling like I should've been there tonight instead of in the morning. You see, that struggle, that guilt is what the eldest of a drug addict faces. I was put in a position where I had to be the parent. I should've never had to be the parent to my parent's kids. EVER. I have gotten much better about trying to be a mother to my siblings. It has not come easy though. There have been fights & arguments, them telling me to back off because they never asked for me to be their mother. That's true, they did not ask for it & neither did I. I've felt isolation because of it. I've felt unappreciated & I've felt so confused as to what my role should be at this point. What should I say? What should I do? How should I feel? How should they feel? Ultimately, I can answer those questions, but the one I will always struggle with is "How should I feel?" Feelings by defintion are an affective state of consciousness, such as that resulting from emotions, sentiments, or desires (thank you, free online dictionary by farlex). My emotions will always want the best for each of my siblings, my seniments will, too & my desire is that when one is laying in a hospital bed that they have the gentle touch of their mother's hand to tell them everything is going to be okay.
I hope my siblings know how much I love them. I imagine if I had my own child the feelings would be very similar to the ones I have for them. I would jump in front of a moving car for any one of them, without hesitation. I can be picked on, but Lord be with you if you ever, ever speak ill of one of them. The wrath would be like a lioness protecting her cubs (is there such thing as a lioness?). There is nothing they can say or do to change my mind about them. The devotion is unconditional & never ending. This post is deciated to each of you. L, C & M, I love you more than you know!
I cannot wait to meet my new nephew tomorrow!
Have a great night everyone!
Alicia
I have been blessed with the most amazing neices & nephews. The oldest will be 11 this year & the youngest was born today. As my sister lays in that hospital bed tonight recovering from her C-section the instinct inside of me that wants to mother comes out. It wants to protect, take pain away--both emotional & physical--it wants to curl up beside her to tell her that she doesn't need to worry. That she will be okay, she is a good mom & that she has help, she is not alone. That I will help her, she can count on me. My sister called me today before her scheduled C-section & I told her that I would be at the hospital in the morning to see her & to meet my new nephew. I told her that I loved her, but inside I was a mess. Was I a bad sister for not being there the second he was born? She was about to have surgery & I wasn't going to be there. Her husband was there and his family was there, but her family was not. Her mother (not me) was not. She was having her second baby & she was there without family. My other sis, C, was caring for my neice, my dad was at work & my mom was living in a hotel. L doesn't talk much about her feelings & really she was probably fine, but I wasn't fine. I felt sad for her, I felt sad for my other sibs who've experienced child birth without their mom next to them to share that amazing experience & I felt sad for myself. The voices in my head started talking and they said "Oh, Alicia, you can't do that. You can't have a child & he/she have no grandparents. You can't have a child & be alone at the hospital."
Maybe my sister is stronger than me. Maybe I'm just a big ole emotional sap who needs to suck it up, but for now I will just live in the moment & feel sad for what my sister didn't have tonight. I will struggle with feeling like I should've been there tonight instead of in the morning. You see, that struggle, that guilt is what the eldest of a drug addict faces. I was put in a position where I had to be the parent. I should've never had to be the parent to my parent's kids. EVER. I have gotten much better about trying to be a mother to my siblings. It has not come easy though. There have been fights & arguments, them telling me to back off because they never asked for me to be their mother. That's true, they did not ask for it & neither did I. I've felt isolation because of it. I've felt unappreciated & I've felt so confused as to what my role should be at this point. What should I say? What should I do? How should I feel? How should they feel? Ultimately, I can answer those questions, but the one I will always struggle with is "How should I feel?" Feelings by defintion are an affective state of consciousness, such as that resulting from emotions, sentiments, or desires (thank you, free online dictionary by farlex). My emotions will always want the best for each of my siblings, my seniments will, too & my desire is that when one is laying in a hospital bed that they have the gentle touch of their mother's hand to tell them everything is going to be okay.
I hope my siblings know how much I love them. I imagine if I had my own child the feelings would be very similar to the ones I have for them. I would jump in front of a moving car for any one of them, without hesitation. I can be picked on, but Lord be with you if you ever, ever speak ill of one of them. The wrath would be like a lioness protecting her cubs (is there such thing as a lioness?). There is nothing they can say or do to change my mind about them. The devotion is unconditional & never ending. This post is deciated to each of you. L, C & M, I love you more than you know!
I cannot wait to meet my new nephew tomorrow!
Have a great night everyone!
Alicia
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I'm back...
Hi,
I hope you all didn't miss me too much :-) I have been busy trying to figure out how to fit it all in. I don't know how all the moms in the world do it, my hat is off to you! You see, I've worked since I was 15 years old & in 2010 I was laid off. I was working at a job that I absolutely loathed! It is, in all my years of working, the worst job I've ever had. The people, the work, the culture...everything about it sucked. I'm really lucky I was "laid off" and not fired because I wasn't too shy about the fact that I thought they were all a bunch of morons.
If you know me at all then you know I don't do anything I don't WANT to do so I wasn't about to take another job that I hated. I decided I would live under 1-10 somewhere before I did that so it took me a year to find a job that was the right fit (more on this later). In this year I learned a great deal about myself, about my marriage & about what was truly important to me.
In 2006 I was lucky enough to meet the man that would forever change my life, Troy Schmidt. I was out one night with my sister. She was dating a guy in the radio biz & she wanted to meet up with him at this club he was promoting. I did not want to go out. I had a broken heart. I'd been in several "relationships" that were very unfulfilling to me. It was my fault. I allowed it to happen. I was always the "pseudo" girlfriend. That was the way I wanted it. I didn't want anyone too close & when they began to move in I backed away. I did that until MJD. I write his full initials because I had 2 pseudos with the first name M, but M is not who I'm talking about here. MJD, the guy who I really did love & he was leaving for another country. I was very sad. My sister dragged me out & we went to a BYOB restaurant. We had a lot of wine, then went to the club her new guy was promoting. We walked up to the bar in a group...5 girls. I was the first girl in the "line" that walked in. Troy was standing at the bar with a group of guys (they were there after an awards dinner with their company). As we walked up Troy said "Anyone want a shot?" I said "I do." As I leaned back to down the shot someone behind me said something funny. I spit the entire shot all over my face. Yes, I did that. Troy crouched down & asked me if he could show me the restroom & the rest was history. I love him & I feel he saved me. He saved me from myself! I love you baby.
Okay, I really did digress. I was going to devote an entire post to him later. He deserves that. I am really here to talk about fashion. Yes, you see I am crazy, too. Who would've thunk I was going to talk about fashion with that opening? Maybe the rest of the crazies? All the K's knew I was going to talk about fashion...LOL. Anyway....
So, I was out of work for a year & I discovered that I REALLY love fashion. It was always there buried down deep or maybe not so deep. My mom always really cared about the way she looked believe it or not. I was told she would babysit (scary thought) & save all of her money for Pappagallo shoes. She loved shoes, makeup clothes so maybe I got it from her.
Before the economy was HORRIBLE we, like many people, had a very good life. We didn't bat our eyes at spending $200 on dinner. EVERY. WEEKEND. We had fancy cars, nice clothes, took lavish vacations & never worried about money. This was very different from what Troy & I had as children. We had similar backgrounds. I think we were rebelling. We were going nuts. Spending money like crazy on things that didn't matter. Then we got laid off...
We had this impression that we would always be upper middle class, that we would never want for anything. We were wrong. I was sad. Troy was sad. We felt like our lives were over. What were we going to do if we couldn't buy stuff? How were we going to be fulfilled? It was the best thing that ever happened to us. It shook us to the core. It woke us from this fantasy we were in, a false reality. A reality where there were no real connections, no real faith, no real goals. I'm embarassed that I was that person, that I invested in things that had no real meaning.
I learned to do things very differently. I was never going to turn my back on fashion. How could I stifle that? I couldn't. I started reading fashion blogs (my favs are listed in my sidebar). They gave me inspiration. Most bloggers don't shop at "box" stores. "Box" store basically means any store in the mall. They don't want to have an outfit on that someone else may have on & really I don't either. I read & obssessed for a while & then I gathered enough courage to go to my first thrift store.
Goodwill. I love. YOU! I do. I love Goodwill. I know this is really a city by city thing. Some Goodwills are not as good as others, but mine rocks! I find treasures everytime I go. Dresses are $10, Jackets are $10, Skirts are $7, Jeans are $8. I've gotten so many wonderful pieces. Some vintage, some not. I will never ever shop at a "regular" store again. Okay, maybe that is a small lie because I was at the J. Crew Factory Store last week, but still it will not be often that I shop at a store where I pay $88 for a blouse. I used to do that. I could've given that money to God, to someone that needed it. I didn't. I was selfish. I'm still learning. I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress, but I want you to take this away from my post. Maybe my post wasn't about fashion at all. My post was about the importance of people & relationships. Stuff will never satisfy you. Ever. You can try, try, try. Go for it. It is exhausting. Let me save you some time. Invest in people, find a good church, listen to your spouse, make love in the rain (I haven't done this, baby are you reading?), volunteer your time, shop at a thrift store, tell the people you love that you love them, don't worry about stuff, don't worry about how much you weigh, don't worry about how many zero's are at the end of your 1's in your bank account. Because if that is what you focus on you will feel empty & you will feel this emptiness forever.
I am so very grateful to The Lord for knowing what I needed when I needed it. I needed to be stripped of all of my wordly possessions for a certain amount of time. I have such gratitude for what I have today & for what I am able to give. I don't ever want to return to a place where things matter more than people. They will never give me the love & encouragement that I have received in the last year. To all of my friends, thank you so much. A special thanks to D&J. I love you guys! To my counselor, R, thank you! I am so humbled by my experiences in my life & I hope those of you reading are, too.
Goodnight & next time I will write about fashion....:-)
I hope you all didn't miss me too much :-) I have been busy trying to figure out how to fit it all in. I don't know how all the moms in the world do it, my hat is off to you! You see, I've worked since I was 15 years old & in 2010 I was laid off. I was working at a job that I absolutely loathed! It is, in all my years of working, the worst job I've ever had. The people, the work, the culture...everything about it sucked. I'm really lucky I was "laid off" and not fired because I wasn't too shy about the fact that I thought they were all a bunch of morons.
If you know me at all then you know I don't do anything I don't WANT to do so I wasn't about to take another job that I hated. I decided I would live under 1-10 somewhere before I did that so it took me a year to find a job that was the right fit (more on this later). In this year I learned a great deal about myself, about my marriage & about what was truly important to me.
In 2006 I was lucky enough to meet the man that would forever change my life, Troy Schmidt. I was out one night with my sister. She was dating a guy in the radio biz & she wanted to meet up with him at this club he was promoting. I did not want to go out. I had a broken heart. I'd been in several "relationships" that were very unfulfilling to me. It was my fault. I allowed it to happen. I was always the "pseudo" girlfriend. That was the way I wanted it. I didn't want anyone too close & when they began to move in I backed away. I did that until MJD. I write his full initials because I had 2 pseudos with the first name M, but M is not who I'm talking about here. MJD, the guy who I really did love & he was leaving for another country. I was very sad. My sister dragged me out & we went to a BYOB restaurant. We had a lot of wine, then went to the club her new guy was promoting. We walked up to the bar in a group...5 girls. I was the first girl in the "line" that walked in. Troy was standing at the bar with a group of guys (they were there after an awards dinner with their company). As we walked up Troy said "Anyone want a shot?" I said "I do." As I leaned back to down the shot someone behind me said something funny. I spit the entire shot all over my face. Yes, I did that. Troy crouched down & asked me if he could show me the restroom & the rest was history. I love him & I feel he saved me. He saved me from myself! I love you baby.
Okay, I really did digress. I was going to devote an entire post to him later. He deserves that. I am really here to talk about fashion. Yes, you see I am crazy, too. Who would've thunk I was going to talk about fashion with that opening? Maybe the rest of the crazies? All the K's knew I was going to talk about fashion...LOL. Anyway....
So, I was out of work for a year & I discovered that I REALLY love fashion. It was always there buried down deep or maybe not so deep. My mom always really cared about the way she looked believe it or not. I was told she would babysit (scary thought) & save all of her money for Pappagallo shoes. She loved shoes, makeup clothes so maybe I got it from her.
Before the economy was HORRIBLE we, like many people, had a very good life. We didn't bat our eyes at spending $200 on dinner. EVERY. WEEKEND. We had fancy cars, nice clothes, took lavish vacations & never worried about money. This was very different from what Troy & I had as children. We had similar backgrounds. I think we were rebelling. We were going nuts. Spending money like crazy on things that didn't matter. Then we got laid off...
We had this impression that we would always be upper middle class, that we would never want for anything. We were wrong. I was sad. Troy was sad. We felt like our lives were over. What were we going to do if we couldn't buy stuff? How were we going to be fulfilled? It was the best thing that ever happened to us. It shook us to the core. It woke us from this fantasy we were in, a false reality. A reality where there were no real connections, no real faith, no real goals. I'm embarassed that I was that person, that I invested in things that had no real meaning.
I learned to do things very differently. I was never going to turn my back on fashion. How could I stifle that? I couldn't. I started reading fashion blogs (my favs are listed in my sidebar). They gave me inspiration. Most bloggers don't shop at "box" stores. "Box" store basically means any store in the mall. They don't want to have an outfit on that someone else may have on & really I don't either. I read & obssessed for a while & then I gathered enough courage to go to my first thrift store.
Goodwill. I love. YOU! I do. I love Goodwill. I know this is really a city by city thing. Some Goodwills are not as good as others, but mine rocks! I find treasures everytime I go. Dresses are $10, Jackets are $10, Skirts are $7, Jeans are $8. I've gotten so many wonderful pieces. Some vintage, some not. I will never ever shop at a "regular" store again. Okay, maybe that is a small lie because I was at the J. Crew Factory Store last week, but still it will not be often that I shop at a store where I pay $88 for a blouse. I used to do that. I could've given that money to God, to someone that needed it. I didn't. I was selfish. I'm still learning. I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress, but I want you to take this away from my post. Maybe my post wasn't about fashion at all. My post was about the importance of people & relationships. Stuff will never satisfy you. Ever. You can try, try, try. Go for it. It is exhausting. Let me save you some time. Invest in people, find a good church, listen to your spouse, make love in the rain (I haven't done this, baby are you reading?), volunteer your time, shop at a thrift store, tell the people you love that you love them, don't worry about stuff, don't worry about how much you weigh, don't worry about how many zero's are at the end of your 1's in your bank account. Because if that is what you focus on you will feel empty & you will feel this emptiness forever.
I am so very grateful to The Lord for knowing what I needed when I needed it. I needed to be stripped of all of my wordly possessions for a certain amount of time. I have such gratitude for what I have today & for what I am able to give. I don't ever want to return to a place where things matter more than people. They will never give me the love & encouragement that I have received in the last year. To all of my friends, thank you so much. A special thanks to D&J. I love you guys! To my counselor, R, thank you! I am so humbled by my experiences in my life & I hope those of you reading are, too.
Goodnight & next time I will write about fashion....:-)
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