At my heaviest I weighed 208 pounds. Surprisingly, I never really suffered with body image issues though. I didn't loathe myself or have poor self-esteem. I think I always understood that I was so much more than the numbers on the scale. I had things much more pressing to concern myself with. Of course, I would occasionally feel less than if I was out with a group of girls that fit the typical "hot" mold, but it was always fleeting. I would look in the mirror & think "Sure you aren't skinny, but you are still pretty." When pictures were taken of me & I saw them I would be mortified though. I thought--who in the world is that fat chick? I didn't recognize myself & I would've never called myself fat. I was fluffy, thick, big boned. When I would catch my reflection in a window I always justified the reason my image was so large---the window was one of those funny ones that made you not look like yourself, ya that's what it was. The fact was, I was fat. I know that word has a negative connotation, but that's what I was. I was way too big for my height & I was at risk for many health problems. In fact, the only reason I decided to change my lifestyle was bad blood work. I didn't think it was okay to be both big & unhealthy. I made the decision to change my ways in July & I've lost a significant amount of weight. I weigh less now than I have in a very long time. I'm proud of my accomplishments. I feel strong & healthy. I made a conscience decision to no longer eat my feelings. I would deal with them head on.
In counseling this week R (my counselor) and I discussed my blog as we do weekly. I told her that some did not like what I was writing. She told me what I already know & it's that you can't make everyone happy. I've been told by family members that if these "memories" were the truth for me then that was fine. I was very insulted by that statement. As if I didn't remember what went on in my childhood. Like I was making these things up? Like I was there & they weren't? R is very patient & she calmly explained to me that everyone has a different reality. We all see the world in a different way, even if we are both perfectly happy. You see--perception is subjective. I could say the sky was blue & someone else may call it turquoise. We also discussed the possibility that seeing things in a different way when trauma occurs could be the result of one defending their heart. The fact that both of your parents are less than stellar is a hard pill to swallow. Who wants to believe that? Who wants to combat that pain?
I was 10 years old when my brother was born. He was perfect. He was cute, sweet & so innocent. M was more like my child than any of my other siblings because of the age disparity. Our bond was strong. He was 8 years old when my dad (we have different dads) came & rescued us from that apartment. My dad would've kept him with us, but his father wanted to come & get him. There was nothing we could do to stop that from happening. His dad had legal rights to him. I think at the time I just forged along & accepted that he would no longer be living in the same house with us. He wasn't even going to be close by. I don't remember how often we saw him, but I feel I always made an effort (as much as a kid could). I remember he would call me crying. He would beg me to come get him from his dad's house. His dad was in the background yelling & calling him names that aren't acceptable names for even your worst enemy. I was crushed. What could I do to remove him from that terrible situation? How could I save him? I hope now that he is older he realizes that if I could've come for him I would've. I would've gladly taken his place.
My siblings & I have all had our ups and downs with each other. I think this is typical in most families, but it is even more so in families where the roles have been all mucked up. I think women of drug addicts tend to fair better than men do. Men aren't allowed to cry, they aren't allowed to tell their buddies that they're sad because their mom smokes crack & lives in a hotel. Our society tells us that men are tough, nothing bothers them & if it does they need to suck it up. My sister's & I also had each other, we stayed together. M was alone. M & I had always been pretty close until one event when we were all brought together at a restaurant. M was clearly drinking way too much & he & his friends kept going to the bathroom. My mom was invited to that event & we came together. My mom was sober at the time. M invited her there & anytime she spoke he was very rude & disrespectful to her. He was clearly angry. Anger is an easier emotion to express than pain. He was in pain. Maybe he felt he could handle seeing my mom, but he couldn't. They started arguing & I spoke up thinking I could calm him down. He responded to me in a way I never thought possible. He was acting like a thug. In all fairness I will say when he started acting like a thug I did, too. It was not pretty & we were in public. That was at least 3 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a pivotable moment for us. We would never be the same. I was kinda done.
I don't know M these days. His behavior is erratic, he has been in trouble for at least the last 5 years of his life. He is a really bad criminal because he always gets caught & he will get caught again. It's just a matter of time. There are rules to live by in this life & they are in place for a reason. If people would just follow these rules life would be so much easier. I saw a recent picture of him & it concerned me because he looked very thin. My brother has never been thin. I texted him--out of pure concern. The truth is I am pretty selfish, I love him and I want him to be okay. Just like I want my mom to be okay. I want M & his family to be okay. I want him to break the cycle of abuse & drug addiction & that is not happening. I texted today to ask him to please call me & he has not done so. The truth, just like my old reflection in the mirror, is hard to accept sometimes. There was no call back today because I speak truth & I'm afraid that M isn't reasy for the truth. I only speak the truth in love & some may argue that it's not my place, but I would beg to differ. It is my place, it is my place to speak up on behalf of his young children---his children who probably feel much like we did as kids. I will not apologize for loving you, M. I will always love you unconditionally. My heart will always be open to you & when you are ready for the truth my door will be open.
Alicia
**Just for the record, I was 25 years old once. I did partake in risky behaviors. I drank & drove, I did drugs, I smoked. Those were all very stupid things to do & I am lucky the consequence of those actions was never severe. I was also only responsible for myself--I didn't have 2 kids that depended on me. When you make the choice to have children you don't have the right to act like an idiot.
No comments:
Post a Comment