Cease Fire

Hi Lovelies!

I hope you are all having a happy & healthy week.  I've been a very busy lady lately with work, taking over a volunteer role at church, visiting the newest addition to our clan & spending time with my husband, friends, dogs & trying to fit in time to keep up with my workouts. These are all such positive things & I feel very fulfilled and satisfied in my life.

Those of you that know me know that I always strive to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be.  I am trying like crazy to achieve my goal weight (15 more pounds to go) and it has been tough.  I have been taking some amazing classes at the gym, but I decided to step up my game on Saturday.  I took a class at the Y called Body Attack & it attacked my body.  It was so difficult, but I will be there again this Saturday!  After my workout I treated myself to a little spa day with a friend while Troy & her husband played golf.  Afterward we were treated to an amazing dinner by Troy's golf partner.  Steaks, potatoes, crab cakes, wine & amaretto cake (maybe this is why this 15 pounds isn't coming off...).  We really needed a weekend like this, it had been a while.  I think life can become so mundane sometimes. I know I say this all the time, but we really have the most incredible friends in the world!  Thank you so much, D & J!

I think working on our health is important to live a long & healthy life, but equally essential is our character.  What are people going to say about me when I am gone?  How do I treat strangers?  My family?  My friends?  The homeless guy at 1-10 and 99?  I believe our life experiences, environment & personality play factors in how we move about in this world.  For such a long time (and even now) I've had this urge to tell people EVERYTHING I am thinking.  Seriously, it's like a disease.  Example: I was at a clothing/accessory store a few days ago (SHOCKER!) & I was looking at this clutch.  It was pleather, but very cute.  They wanted $35 for it & I thought that was way too much.  I told the manager (in a very polite way) that I really thought all of their stuff way overpriced for the quailty.  I told her I thought their stuff should be priced like Forever 21's merchandise.  I went on to ask her why she thought anyone would pay $35 for a pleather clutch (it was small).  I told her I knew we weren't in China & not on a barter system, but I needed to get this off my chest.  She looked at me & had no idea what to say.  I started back peddling.  I meant every word of what I said & it wasn't a personal attack on her, but I felt bad.  After I speak my mind I start to feel like...oh maybe that didn't have to be said.  I don't want to live like that.  It is not my desire to walk around destroying everyone in my wake.  I do have the overwhelming impulse to say exactly what is on my mind.  ALL.  THE.  TIME. I can honestly tell you that about 8 times out of 10 it does not come from a place of anger.  I just want to share.  It is continuously on my prayer list & if you are a praying person please pray that I use my words wisely.  That I realize it is okay to hold some things back.

I see a Christian counselor on a regular basis & I visited her office yesterday.  We discussed how I get really frustrated when others don't do things the way I think they should.  When someone doesn't "get it" or they don't understand something as quickly as I do or they aren't willing to work in life I get downright pissed.  I don't like excuses & I never have, but I make them all the time.  Troy makes me yell at him.  The lady behind me at the store caused me to give her a dirty look.  She was in my personal space & that is not okay.  My family causes me to lash out at them.  R, my counselor, set me straight really quick.  I am an adult who is responsible for my own actions.  I cannot control the actions of another person, but I have absolute control of my response.  I get a big, huge, fat F in this area of my life.  If someone crosses me I am ready to go to war & I hold nothing back.  If you have been on the receiving end of this I am sorry.  I've said on this blog before that I think anger is an easier emotion to express than pain.  When I lash out in those ways it is because I am in terrible pain & it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me.  It is no excuse & not at all acceptable behavior.  Even though my counselor and I had this discussion just yesterday I failed to remember what I learned & failed miserably last night when someone upset me.  It was a choice, as adults we have choices & I made the choice to behave badly.  It will be my life's work to control my emotions and make better choices.

I am here to love other people and to lend them a helping hand when I can.  I don't have to worry about who is doing what.  That isn't my concern.  It is really hard for me, in the heat of the moment, to remember that.  It is extremely difficult when love is involved & I want the best for those I love.  I have to keep in mind that I'm not God.  I'm called to be a loving sister, a supportive wife, a loyal friend & a follower that spreads the Good News.  I am imperfect & I will mess up.  I am thankful that I have a Father that is forgiving & loves me just as I am.  I want those that love me to know that I am constantly thinking about how I can improve.  My heart is a compassionate one, but you already know that.  My love is unconditional & you know that, too.

Romans 12:19  "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written:  'It is mine to avenge; I will repay, 'says The Lord"

On the agenda this week:  Work, working out, mexican food with friends, visiting little C, hopefully some fun in the sun & church.

What are your plans?  Anything fun?

Have a great week!

alicia

                                                                        

Humility & Forgiveness

I'm sure you've gathered by now that I'm crazy about my siblings so you can only imagine how I feel about their children.  It is so surreal to watch them raise their kids and do it so well.  My nieces & nephews are such wonderful young people and I'm so proud to be their aunt.  E is the oldest & she will be 11 this year.  Every time I see her she is taller. She is creative, beautiful & she loves fashion (yay!).  J will be 8 this year and he is PRECIOUS.  He has the chubbiest cheeks--you can't NOT pinch and kiss them.  He is sensitive & witty--nothing gets past this kid!  I don't get to see M much, but he looks ;;;;;exactly like my brother (adorable). He will be 3 in October.  He loves baseball & it is so cute when he pitches because he hikes his leg up just like a professional pitcher--he's been doing this since he could walk.  A will be 2 in a few weeks.  She has the vocabulary of a 4 year old & is an extremely intelligent little girl, not to mention beautiful.  C is the newest addition to our family.  He was born just last week.  He is such a good baby & I can't wait to get to know him better. Children are such an amazing blessing from God.  They have this quiet innocence about them.  They make me remember all that is good about this world. 

Children have the ability to bring people together.  Thank you little C for doing just that.
 
I am an imperfect person.  One of my biggest problems is the lack of filter on my mouth.  I should've been fitted for a muzzle a long time ago, it would've saved me a whole lot of headache.  When a person says something I find rude I lash out without even thinking & I do not hold back.  Most times I don't mean what is coming out of my mouth.  I just spew with the intention of hurting the person like they hurt me. I don't ever want someone to feel like they have gotten the better of me.  I definitely learned this behavior, but at my age it is inexcusable.  I have prayed for a filter and worked hard to understand why I feel the need to say EVERYTHING I am thinking.  I wouldn't say I am healed, but I would consider myself on my way.  It is my desire to live in harmony with my siblings, their families & the rest of the world.  I feel as I become closer to The Lord this becomes so much easier.

I am grateful and humbled today.  Thank you, F.

Freedom

Hi Everyone!

I hope you all are doing well.  I don't have too much content today, but I did want to take the time to thank those of you interested enough in me to read.  I've received numerous e-mails regarding this blog, but the sweetest one came last night and this was a portion of what it said. 

"I read your blog tonight. It inspired me, you are the strongest most together person I know. You faced challenges and bad situations but you decided to fight though and become an amazing woman. So many people in those situations would have succumbed to their demons."

Thank you so much, E for this thoughtful e-mail that you took the time to send.  I chose to start this blog for so many reasons, but if inspiring one person is a result than my duty is done.  Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

Of course, as I've said before, there have been those who do not like what I'm writing at all.  I've been unfriended on Facebook & unfamilied on Facebook (LOL!).  The funny thing about this & I'm not trying to be rude or caddy at all & I am writing this with a straight face.  I do not give a shit.  AT. ALL.  This will come as no surprise to those of you who really know me.  I would never intentionally set out to hurt someone.  EVER.  I am an insanely compassionate person who would give my shirt for almost anyone.  I know who I am.  I know what I believe.  I am open to other ideas about life.  It is not my place to judge.  Side note:  The Sunday after my last post was published we discussed Romans 12.  Check it out, it's all about who the judge is & it is not me.  Vengeance is not mine.  I know there are many different ways to do this life & my way is not the only way.  But, I ask that you please do not ever question my feelings because those are mine.  I will never ever on this blog have a lack of respect for anyone's privacy (hence me only using first initials when talking about someone other than my husband or myself).  I vow to always tell the truth, as I know no other way. 

I read an article yesterday that I thought was really amazing about Ashley Judd.  Apparently, she wrote a memoir about her family.  The book discusses the isolation she felt from being neglected by her mom.  It paints her family in a light that is not pretty.  Surprisingly (to me) her mom & sister are speaking out in support of her & her book.  They have been quoted as saying "I think it's key for us to spend time figuring out our own reality...."Every unhappiness is tied to a story, and we have to go back and figure out our stories.  And then it's our stories that connect us."  This was interesting to me because they could be really mad (as some of my family members have been), but instead they have made a choice to stand behind her & support her efforts to get healthy.  Kuddos to them for loving her in such a way. 

Again I'm so grateful to those of you who've reached out & told me you were proud.  Those words mean so much.  For those who aren't ready or able to figure out your own reality, that is okay, but this is mine.  I will be here when you are ready to share your story.

Love,

alicia

Denial

At my heaviest I weighed 208 pounds.  Surprisingly, I never really suffered with body image issues though.  I didn't loathe myself or have poor self-esteem.  I think I always understood that I was so much more than the numbers on the scale.  I had things much more pressing to concern myself with.  Of course, I would occasionally feel less than if I was out with a group of girls that fit the typical "hot" mold, but it was always fleeting.  I would look in the mirror & think "Sure you aren't skinny, but you are still pretty."  When pictures were taken of me & I saw them I would be mortified though.  I thought--who in the world is that fat chick?  I didn't recognize myself & I would've never called myself fat.  I was fluffy, thick, big boned.  When I would catch my reflection in a window I always justified the reason my image was so large---the window was one of those funny ones that made you not look like yourself, ya that's what it was.  The fact was, I was fat.  I know that word has a negative connotation, but that's what I was.  I was way too big for my height & I was at risk for many health problems.  In fact, the only reason I decided to change my lifestyle was bad blood work.  I didn't think it was okay to be both big & unhealthy.  I made the decision to change my ways in July & I've lost a significant amount of weight.  I weigh less now than I have in a very long time.  I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I feel strong & healthy.  I made a conscience decision to no longer eat my feelings.  I would deal with them head on.

In counseling this week R (my counselor) and I discussed my blog as we do weekly.  I told her that some did not like what I was writing.  She told me what I already know & it's that you can't make everyone happy.  I've been told by family members that if these "memories" were the truth for me then that was fine.  I was very insulted by that statement.  As if I didn't remember what went on in my childhood.  Like I was making these things up?  Like I was there & they weren't?  R is very patient & she calmly explained to me that everyone has a different reality.  We all see the world in a different way, even if we are both perfectly happy.  You see--perception is subjective.  I could say the sky was blue & someone else may call it turquoise.  We also discussed the possibility that seeing things in a different way when trauma occurs could be the result of one defending their heart.  The fact that both of your parents are less than stellar is a hard pill to swallow.  Who wants to believe that?  Who wants to combat that pain?

I was 10 years old when my brother was born.  He was perfect.  He was cute, sweet & so innocent.  M was more like my child than any of my other siblings because of the age disparity.  Our bond was strong.  He was 8 years old when my dad (we have different dads) came & rescued us from that apartment.  My dad would've kept him with us, but his father wanted to come & get him.  There was nothing we could do to stop that from happening.  His dad had legal rights to him.  I think at the time I just forged along & accepted that he would no longer be living in the same house with us.  He wasn't even going to be close by.  I don't remember how often we saw him, but I feel I always made an effort (as much as a kid could).  I remember he would call me crying.  He would beg me to come get him from his dad's house.  His dad was in the background yelling & calling him names that aren't acceptable names for even your worst enemy.  I was crushed.  What could I do to remove him from that terrible situation?  How could I save him?  I hope now that he is older he realizes that if I could've come for him I would've.  I would've gladly taken his place.

My siblings & I have all had our ups and downs with each other.  I think this is typical in most families, but it is even more so in families where the roles have been all mucked up.  I think women of drug addicts tend to fair better than men do.  Men aren't allowed to cry, they aren't allowed to tell their buddies that they're sad because their mom smokes crack & lives in a hotel.  Our society tells us that men are tough, nothing bothers them & if it does they need to suck it up.  My sister's & I also had each other, we stayed together.  M was alone.  M & I had always been pretty close until one event when we were all brought together at a restaurant.  M was clearly drinking way too much & he & his friends kept going to the bathroom.  My mom was invited to that event & we came together.  My mom was sober at the time.  M invited her there & anytime she spoke he was very rude & disrespectful to her.  He was clearly angry.  Anger is an easier emotion to express than pain.  He was in pain.  Maybe he felt he could handle seeing my mom, but he couldn't.  They started arguing & I spoke up thinking I could calm him down.  He responded to me in a way I never thought possible.  He was acting like a thug.  In all fairness I will say when he started acting like a thug I did, too.  It was not pretty & we were in public.  That was at least 3 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was a pivotable moment for us.  We would never be the same.  I was kinda done.

I don't know M these days.  His behavior is erratic, he has been in trouble for at least the last 5 years of his life.  He is a really bad criminal because he always gets caught & he will get caught again.  It's just a matter of time.  There are rules to live by in this life & they are in place for a reason.  If people would just follow these rules life would be so much easier.  I saw a recent picture of him & it concerned me because he looked very thin.  My brother has never been thin.  I texted him--out of pure concern.  The truth is I am pretty selfish, I love him and I want him to be okay.  Just like I want my mom to be okay.  I want M & his family to be okay.  I want him to break the cycle of abuse & drug addiction & that is not happening.  I texted today to ask him to please call me & he has not done so.  The truth, just like my old reflection in the mirror, is hard to accept sometimes. There was no call back today because I speak truth & I'm afraid that M isn't reasy for the truth.  I only speak the truth in love & some may argue that it's not my place, but I would beg to differ.  It is my place, it is my place to speak up on behalf of his young children---his children who probably feel much like we did as kids.  I will not apologize for loving you, M.  I will always love you unconditionally.  My heart will always be open to you & when you are ready for the truth my door will be open.

Alicia



**Just for the record, I was 25 years old once.  I did partake in risky behaviors.  I drank & drove, I did drugs, I smoked.  Those were all very stupid things to do & I am lucky the consequence of those actions was never severe.  I was also only responsible for myself--I didn't have 2 kids that depended on me.  When you make the choice to have children you don't have the right to act like an idiot.