Hi! I won't be able to write tomorrow because I have a very full day, but I felt compelled to write again after receiving an e-mail from my aunt. She is a wonderful person. She is my mom's youngest sister. She is not crazy. Unconfrontational, yes. Crazy, no. I guess I always wished she would take a stand for me. I wanted her to shout from the rooftops that I was okay. That I shouldn't be treated like a creep because the wrong person birthed me. When I was a kid I would spend the night with her. She would play little bunny foo foo with me when we went to bed & I would always wake her up at the crack of dawn. She was a teenager at the time so you know she needed her beauty rest. She taught me how to tie my shoes & how to apply makeup. I looked up to her. She was there when I couldn't bear to sleep at my apartment after my divorce. She is a friend to Troy & I now. I love you, T.
Now here's where I need to clarify. I created this blog as a way to release my feelings. When you don't have a mom & she is killling herself right before your eyes it is sad. I am not an unhappy person. I am a stable, educated, job-having (finally), happily married, suburb living, church going, wine drinking, FUN person. BUT, when you have a family member who is a drug addict there is a lot of baggage that comes along with that. The best way I can describe it is like a dull pain that never fully goes away. My mom is a drug addict today & she wil be one tomorrow, also. In my last post I expressed anger towards my mom's family. That anger is real & it is raw. Most importantly, it is mine. I get to feel however I want to feel. The anger isn't constant or runing my life or anything, but in certain situations it comes up. I realize that there is good in all of us. They aren't awful because they didn't get to know me or my siblings (and we're pretty bad ass if I do say so myself) & in no way was it their responsibilty to raise my mother's children. Maybe I didn't make that clear in my last post. My mom & my mom alone is accountable for her actions. Once she became an adult & made the choice to have 4 children she should have stopped all the sheningans & she didn't.
*I think my anger isn't really anger, it is pain. Anger is an easier emotion to express.
My mom is my mom & even though she has not been the mother I've needed I love her. I love her very much. When she is wrong (a lot) I tell her she is wrong. When someone else is wrong I tell them they are wrong. When you tell my mom she is wrong & it is in front of me & she isn't wrong I will tell you to back off. She has no confidence or self-esteem. She is broken, but she is my mom. I will defend her until she is buried because she is my mom. I love my mom.
Have a great night!
*The next post will be about FASHION. I am sick of all this heavy stuff & I'm sure you are, too. Also, if you know where I can find a pair of red pants can you point me in the right direction? I've scoured the internet to no avail. I need some red pants!
*Just a friendly reminder that this blog is my account of things that happened to me. They are based on my feelings of the way things went down. The purpose is not to offend anyone, but to let people know that it is okay to be sad. You can come from this & you can have a successful life. I thank God daily for my life & for His grace.
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