Hi again! Okay, so I lost it today at church. I was a blubbering mess when the band was singing. The words in the songs were so profound to me today. As the band sung "Our God Saves & Rescue" I had tears rollling down my cheeks. They were happy tears for the Hope that is availabe only through our Lord Jesus. They were sad tears also because my mom doesn't know His love for her. Yes, even her, in her messed up, drug induced state. He loves her, too. She accepted Him as her Savior many times over, but I know she does not believe she is forgiven. It is my belief that she continues to medicate because she does not believe she is worthy of anything else. I think some would argue that her salvation is conditional (My church may even believe this). I need to talk to my pastor about this. I don't believe salvation is conditional.
These emotions aren't totally out of the blue. I am struggling right now. I thought I had it all figured out. I have been dealing with this monster for over 20 years. I should be okay by now, right? No. I'm not okay. I mean I'm not going to die or anything & I know that no matter what I will be okay because I have ALWAYS been in God's grip. ALWAYS. I wasn't raised in the church. We never had a church home. Maybe we went on Easter & Christmas, but even that was not consistent. I went with my friends families when I spent the night. I was known to seek out friends that had really good families. That was what I was lacking. That is what I craved. A nuclear family. One with a mom and a dad.
I can remember being at a church in 8th grade with my friends. We were in with the youth group. Everyone was asked if they would like to accept the Lord into their hearts as their Savior. I stood up. Without thinking. I rose from my seat & went onto a stage & I cried my eyes out & I accepted Him into my life & into my heart. I felt His presence way before then, but that was the moment I declared Him supreme over my life. I know that some in my same situation may think "Okay, Lord where are you because these living conditions aren't too great." There was a lot of times I could've doubted Him & I never did. Now let me be clear. I have not always lived for Him. In fact I was quite a crazy party animal once upon a time. Sleeping with men I didn't love & who didn't love me. I dabbled in drugs, also. Even then I knew I was not alone. God wanted me to come to Him. He wanted to be the Father I didn't have. He wanted to love me as only He could.
As I sit here today I will tell you that I am only who I am because God created me this way. He molded me into this person that is discerning, intuitive & strong. Even in times of serious & crippling struggle there is a blessing waiting around the corner. I can say this emphatically because I see God's fingerprints all over my life in so many ways. There is simply no other explanation for me. If He didn't exist I wouldn't be here. Statistics show that children of drug addicts will also be drug addicts. They will get pregnant out of wedlock, they will be on welfare. They will be dead, commiting crimes or in jail. I know that I am not the only person that has made it out of this thing half sane, but I had nothing to do with it. This was who I was going to be long before I was conceived. There is a plan for my life & for yours. Open your heart to Him. Find a church. Get involved. He wants to be your Father. He wants to dry your tears. You can come to Him in any state. There is no sin He cannot bear.
I want to thank the people of CP7L and to my amazing home team (small group). You are my family, you have taught me so much about myself and about others. A special thanks to CL. You are wise beyond words my friend. You taught me to sit still even when I was so angry I could scream. You taught me that all families have issues, even church families. The rewards are seen when you work it out. Running is easy. You taught me not to run. Thank you so much for caring about me enough to help me through that. I am so thrilled to be sharing my journey with all of you. I cannot think of anyone else more loving & more compassionate. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all so much!
I'm off to make seafood enchiladas for my amazing husband. Have a great night everyone.
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